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Bartenders Revealed

Cocktail (1988 film)

Cocktail (1988 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I never really sat at a bar until 2011. No seriously… before then I just grabbed a drink and got back to my crowd or to dancing with all that heart and soul to referred earlier in posts.

So… back to 2011. There was this bartender, which until 2011 I had chalked up to flirtatious, fickle, wandering souls that were in it for the next booty bang and could care less about the people sitting on their stools other than for tips of course. Which honestly is TBD at this point on whether this notion has officially changed, but I’ll let you make your own judgement if needed.

I’m beginning to see a pattern in bartenders (for the most part)… pardon to the ones that have a GOAL. Right on brothers and sisters… you are a minority amongst you peers.

Pattern #1 – When asked what their dreams are (i.e. goals, purpose in life, etc.) you are met with an ‘UUUUUUUUUUUggggggghhhhhhhh”. This friends, especially to the ladies out there, is cute at first, but is not to be overlooked…. keep reading as to why.

Pattern #2 – Nocturnal patterns of sleeping. Yeah, yeah, so they work late, but GOOD LORD, you can totally wake up till 4 pm. BARTENDING IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR DEPRESSION.

Pattern #3 – DIRECTIONLESS. Did you get that? Let me say it again. DIRECTIONLESS. No matter what you do, opportunities you put in front of them, you are NOT going to Tom Cruise “Cocktail” (movies from the 80’s) there butts into dreaming there way to success of owning their own bar. It’s in a movie for a reason. IT IS NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Bryan Flanigan DOES NOT exist. Well, he actually does by name and is ACTUALLY a boyfriend of mine from college… ironically, but besides what you can come up with on Facebook, GIRLS IT IS NOT HAPPENING.

Pattern #4 – They are completely unclear and have a massive lack of memory to what they say to you. Why? Because they can’t differentiate between a customer they are trying to get top tip dollar out of and their loved ones. It all mirages together to an overall kiss everyone’s ass and say statements to please everyone because most of the time they are still living with their parents and still pleasing their mothers to the point you need to RUN and RUN fast.

Pattern #5 – PROTECT YOURSELF. Yes, I mean that in the way you think…physically… mouth to mouth contact… be safe than sorry… thank you to Life Skills 101 at to remain anonymous high school in Florida. THEY DATE strippers… really… no matter what they say… they are both nocturnal… so why not right?

Pattern #6 – Baby, I love you. – Nope. Nope. and Nope. refer back to Pattern #4. Tips pretty much equal to “baby I had a bad tip night at work so that you give enough to pay for drinks and/or movie in a non-nocturnal moment” and two cruises and many drinks, movies, concerts and dinners later you are kicking yourself for that… “he’ll grow out of it mentality” wish. It doesn’t happen. No matter WHAT you do. It’ll all end in the “you deserve more than my “current” self cop-out and the relationship you poured your heart and soul into will result in your own butt kicking conclusion of what you should have been concentrating on the entire time you were “being a good girlfriend” to a guy who the entire time knew how everything would end.

Nice ride. Never again.

So this post may be appended to, but the bottom line is, it’s still unclear whether a bartender even actually has a SOUL. And here’s me being real. Yes, the bartender broke my heart. Totally. Remember…